Look away now...

Worst night I've ever had.
 
I'm not going to go into details - let's just say I've become very familiar with all the low angles in the bathroom having visited 21 times in the last 14 hours.

Tax-deductible Houmous

Talking to a mate about the Babybird album - they were very disparaging about the idea of it as their only previous point of reference was You're Gorgeous which they thought was bland. They hadn't realised what it was about - the seduction of a boy by an older man. You see, people don't listen to lyrics... That song has been sung at so many traditional weddings, which I find very funny...

I just got very wet in the rain and changed my trousers for an old pair of jeans. Not only are they a bit tight but I've just now realised they have a hole in the crotch. Must remember to sit cross legged for the rest of the day.

Jilly has been offered the TV job she really wanted. Delighted for her - she deserves it. This will now be a huge test of character for her. Does she accept the offer or continue slaving away for free with us? I know what I would do... There is a third way of course. Which is going to require plenty of houmous and red wine, all of which of course is tax deductable.

Virtual Regrets

That extra hour makes it harder getting up. Plus the fact that the council have recently replaced all the street lamps in my road and I've now got a nuclear flare outside my window that you could see from the moon. I can't sleep unless it's dark and I fear I'm now going to need alpine shutters or at least some of those blinds they used in the blitz.

 

There's still a huge black stain on my rug from yesterday. Tried geting it out with newspaper and a hot iron, stain remover etc, but nothing worked. So I've turned the rug around and now the stain is in the opposite corner of the rug, which somehow feels like an improvement.

 

A friend at work has suggested a new app for the iPhone: a sensor detects if there's too much alcohol in the bloodstream and then stops all texts, emails and purchases made under the influence. That would prevent the dreadful feeling that comes with waking up and instantly experiencing the previous evening's online activity. Virtual Regrets. We've had a few...  

Desert Island Discs - Rock & Roll...

For some reason people are picking up on 'Some of Your Planes'. Apparently it was played on BBC Radio 4 this morning. Isn't that the radio station for older people? Anyone would think I wasn't hip and happening...

Apologies for the lack of blog yesterday - things got a little heavy rehearsing for the evening's show and I was unable to string a sentence together. Mungo's brother Adrian broke into Mungo's shed and brought the 8 foot paddle into town in time for the performance. 

The show went fine, in case you're wondering. Although I nearly didn't find the paddle in time because it had been moved from the place where I set it. I also forgot the words to one of my songs but managed to make up some nonsense that fitted the tune, and even rhymed. No-one ever listens to the lyrics in any case. A good tune is all you need. I'm starting to realise that the rest can be 'sha-la-la' for all it's worth. Mungo lost his own body weight in sweat having to operate the sound and lights.

Jilly's TV job interview went well this week, I'm unhappy to say. But I managed to bribe her to maybe stick around with us after the show last night with some red wine and a pork pie, forgetting momentarily she is a vegetarian. It was lovely to see Peter - our man in the city - who clearly has his finger in many pies at the moment, but sadly he couldn't make it back after the show to share in the pork.

Just tidying away all the kit from the show last night and have just knelt down on the black make up stick that gets used in the big finale. There is now a massive oily black stain on the rug in my room which wont come out. I've also managed to get it all over my clothes.

Rock & roll...

Song: Some of Your Planes

11:00

11.00 am. We're setting up at LSMT for tonight's show. Just carried a flight case up 2 flights of stairs. And we seem to already be up shit creek as Mungo forgot the paddle...

Mungo's mixing...

Looked out of my window this morning. The first thing I saw was a frisbee on the roof of a house. Something about it reminded me of childhood.

 

Just restrung my red guitar for the show tomorrow night. Feeling a little apprehensive. Mungo has 'borrowed' a 16 channel mixing desk from our mate who is a genius at sound. We only need three channels. And Mungo doesn't even know how to work those....

 

Jilly - who does our website and keeps us connected with the hip generation just a few years beneath us - has a meeting for a new job this afternoon. Be fantastic if she gets it, but then she might find it harder working with us for free... Have to be very, very very nice to her...

Bins

Another early start. The nice guy who works at the tube was talking to another passenger and I didn't get my cheery greeting. Felt mildly betrayed.

I'm always confused about my feelings towards people who paint their house number on their bins. The bin was free, so why get so possessive about it? Also, why would someone nick it? And if they did, you just get given another... On the other hand it makes it much easier to sort after the bin men have scattered them liberally across the pavements on collection days.

Is Bin Men sexist? I don't think Ive ever seen a Bin Woman. The bins would probably be left a lot tidier on the street if there were.

The early Babybird catches the worm...

Out at seven this morning for early rehearsal for Saturdays show. The nice guy who works at the tube station commented it was a bit of an early start for me. I think he's more used to seeing me around lunchtime... Bit depressed because the only people dragging a guitar case through tube stations at seven in the morning have clearly not quite achieved all their goals. And can't afford a roadie.

Loving the new Babybird album.

Obviously my early start today prevented me from furthering my relationship with the Speechless Girl. I have her pen here. Yes I know I already have a good relationship with someone. Does this make me a bad person?

Parental plums

Up most of the night with Stanley, throwing up because he ate 11 plums before going to bed. Miraculously he felt great this morning and wanted to go to school. I think there's a girl involved....

On the way to school, passed by the Speechless Girl who I've not spotted for a week or so. Wondered if she's missed me. She was wearing a grey coat, black leggings and bright lipstick and was bending down to find something in her bag. We didn't say a word to each other, true to the rules of our relationship.

On the way back from school I found a pen just where the speechless girl had been crouching. A green pental. Is it hers? Is this my way in? If I go up to her in the next week or two and say 'I think I found your pen', will it make me look attractive - or slightly pervy and sad?  I think I just answered my own question.

Off to rehearsals with Mungo for the show this weekend. Should be learning words instead of writing this. I can feel a green pen burning a hole in my pocket...

Amazon Gaga

Managed to go a day or two without blogs, twitter etc. Felt strangely bereft. No excuses. Couldn't be arsed, that's all.


Rehearsing today for the LS show were doing at the weekend. First time we're doing it since putting it on at the Arts Theatre in London a year or two ago. Hoping Mungo shows up today. Not seen him for a while...

Finding it really annoying that Amazon insist on sending out junk email "based on items you have viewed" every morning.

Can't work out if Lady Gaga is sex on legs or just an extremely ordinary girl in stupid clothes. It all depends on mood doesn't it...

Jam

Spent the morning trying room. Deliriously happy about finding several sets of strings for guitar, banjo and mandolin.

Ate a jam doughnut for the first time in years.

Off out for dinner with friends. Just need to find a good shirt in the wardrobe that isn't covered in jam.

Homelife: Waking up to the cheery sound of builders whistling...

Both houses on either side, and the house opposite, have all had scaffolding put up for repairs and painting to the brickwork and windows. We're going to be the scuzzy neighbours in the street. Also - I wont need to set an alarm for the next few weeks as I'll be waking up to the cheery sound of builders whistling...

Enjoyed hosting the charity gig last night. The Deputy Mayor was there but I introduced him onstage incorrectly as his name was misprinted on my sheet. He wasn't too happy about it. I said I was nervous now that suddenly my council tax bill was about to rocket up.

I keep getting phone calls from fax machines and recorded requests to buy insurance. Who actually thought that was a good idea? Does anyone buy insurance from an answerphone? I suppose they do, otherwise it wouldn't happen. And the public gets what the public wants....

Wendy Toye

Wendy Toye is being buried today. She died last week aged 92. Wendy lived a long, amazing life and it was a pleasure to know her. She was a massively popular dancer ('the Pocket Wonder') as a young woman before working as a choreographer for film directors Jean Cocteau & Carol Reed and going onto become an Oscar nominated film director herself. When she moved out of her flat a couple of years ago Wendy gave us a small statue of a lion for our tiny garden, which stands there proudly today...

We are known among the stars by our poems, not our corpses.

Enjoyed a chaotic rehearsal last night for the show I am hosting this evening to celebrate music and drama by young people in the borough of Barnet. 'Young People' is one of those phrases that makes you feel sick when it's said by a politician. Must remember not to say it myself tonight.

Just watched a fleet of council bin lorries heading out somewhere, which somehow poetically captures the spirit of today.

Never repeat a gag

Off out tonight to rehearse for a celebration of young people's music and drama in the borough of Barnet, which I will be hosting tomorrow evening. Might pick up a few tips of how to be down with the kids.

Spent the day struggling to think of something interesting to give Stanley for his tea, but then you can't be Jamie Oliver every day.

Just been spotted buying frozen pizza in Iceland by the woman from the local dry cleaners. "Don't you cook for your kid? she asked, disappointedly. I replied "You can't be Jamie Oliver every day!" but she didn't find it remotely funny. Never repeat a gag.

Practise, perfect and master

Beautiful sunny spring day and the nightmare has begun. Women are already out in the streets wearing little but their underwear and we haven't even had a chance to practice our not-looking techniques. It always takes time to perfect them. In fact it's usually autumn before we begin to master it, but then of course it's too late.

A filling just fell out of one of my back teeth! What?! That shouldn't be happening. My teeth and hair both need repair... I blame the hot soup.

Just realised that today's blog pretty much condenses Keats' entire collection of poetry in three lines. Must stop knocking back the opium during the longer evenings.

An eternal optimist?

Woke up this morning, tongue burn injury miraculously disappeared. Not even thought about it until now.

Stanley just asked me if I can take him to see David Cameron's Avatar. So that's why they're all blue.

Always loved Sunday nights, loved the possibilities that a new week can bring. Does that make me an eternal optimist? Or someone who is just always pissed off that last week was never very good...

Tomato-related injuries

Burnt my tongue eating tomato soup. It's annoying because it's going to feel like this for at least the next two days.

I'm supposed to be recording backing vocals on my new ukulele track this afternoon, but my tongue injury is making me sound most unfortunate on playback.

Been working on the new version of The Fall & Rise of LS, which I'm going to be performing in two weeks time at the London School of Musical Theatre. Two weeks isn't very long and there's quite a lot still to do, like rehearse it.... But hopefully the tongue injury will have subsided by then.

Ukulele and wine...

Just finished writing my blog for today and accidentally pressed something like fn+ctrl+A which wiped the whole lot. It simply disappeared. I don't really get shortcuts when you have to press more than 2 buttons at once. It may well be a shortcut but it takes months to study the list which seems pretty pointless to me. I would be more annoyed but I actually think what I wrote was pretty dull, to be fair. My notebook is developing its own set of value judgements and today I didn't come up to scratch.... Open the pod door Hal.

Matt - the bass player in the Lenny Smallman band - was on Masterchef last night. I didn't know he could cook. Have to get myself invited round for dinner. Not sure about his chilli chocolate jam coullis though.... And the girl that narrates it sounds like a man that's taken oestrogen pills.

Lisa is taking Stanley out. No night out for me tonight. No sirreebob. I'm staying in to play my new ukulele and not drinking any wine whatsoever.

Pure Floyd

Pink Floyd have won their battle to not allow EMI to release their songs as individual tracks, preferring to keep their records pure and very very long. Although they have stated that they will allow the listener to pause the album during playback if they get the midnight munchies.

I have already offered EMI my back catalogue to compensate for their loss.

My nostril shaving wound has healed nicely. Peter, our man in the city, sent me his sympathies having just endured a similar injury to his scrotum... This has opened up another huge can of worms as I have always refused to wax, and I am currently working out my position on the remaining options.

Large Hadron Curry

Cut myself shaving last night. On my nose. That's a serious wrong turning  isn't it! And today look like I've been in a fight.

I see the Large Hadron Collider in Cern has been shut down again, much to the delight of the press. We love our mad scientists don't we, especially when it all goes wrong.

Off out for a curry with Sean who is going to direct the tv music show we are looking to get off the ground. Any good recommendations of curry houses in Paddington?

If it wasn't for those pesky...

So, who knows what's on the mystery england football tape? Answers on a postcard please... I reckon they've all been putting bets on who's going to be first to have a crack at Cheryl.

Is it just me, or did the whole Oscars coverage start to get a bit ridiculous this year. Maybe it was to take our mind off the footballers and Facebook reprobates... [And nothing to do with the fact I fell asleep in front of it, obviously.]

You can't move at the tills of my local Budgens for Easter eggs. Thousands of them. What obesity crisis?!!

Oscar Dribble

Okay - so much for staying up all night for the Oscars. Woke on the sofa around 6 o'clock with a cricked neck and a string of dribble down my shirt. Good job Lisa [my partner] is away for a few days.

Strange word 'partner', something wild west about it. Never quite know what to use. Definitely not 'wife'. I still like 'girlfriend' which feels quaintly romantic. 'Spouse' - no no.... 'Mother of my child' - whilst being true, just sounds cold.

Saw the beautiful speechless girl again today after taking Stanley to school. Unfortunately I was still wearing the dribble shirt. Probably a good job we didn't start communicating wildly this morning, what with one thing and another.

Dangerous ground.

Me, myself and the brave

There are some people interested in sponsoring my 'Lenny Smallman Music Show' for internet broadcast, and I'm supposed to write 'a page' about myself & the show for tomorrow. I don't know where to start. How do you begin to write about yourself? What is of interest and - more importantly - what is not? A whole page?! I'm struggling now just doing this and I'm only on line three....

I'm going to see how much I can take of the Oscars tonight. Just in case the Morris film gets a mention or the stage is suddenly stormed by beardy men with hankies demanding that it be given an American release. There's still time for action. we just need to mobilize the forces. If you're reading this, rise up and shake those bells.

Loving my advance copy of Trafik's new album 'None But The Brave'. Electronic club music with a twist.

Mojito Night Bus

A little slow today after a proper night out with friends last night - I didn't get in 'til 4.

After the first two mojitos the night just slipped away. Couldn't find a taxi home, and a night bus appeared beside me as if by magic, although I didn't join in with the singing. Should have gone for a run this morning but that was never going to happen.

Saw the beautiful speechless girl heading into Budgens. So she doesn't work Saturdays... At what point does regularly noticing someone you've never spoken become stalking? It's a fine line... It's probably a good job my partner doesn't read these blogs. Or maybe she does and doesn't let on. And with that thought I can feel a whole can of worms about to open.

Apparently Easter Eggs are smaller this year and contain less packaging. Amazing the facts you pick up from nowhere. I've tried to develop expensive tastes but you still can't beat cheap chocolate.

Eye-Pods

No sign of the pretty but speechless young woman this morning. Actually quite disappointed. Might have to start writing her a song.

Yesterday's meeting with the producer went rather well. Her office has a fantastic view of London's South Bank. But I couldn't help notice that one of the pods in the London Eye has fallen out. When did that happen? Did it roll down towards County Hall or just splash into the Thames? Maybe if John Terry had been inside it it would have made it into the press. But only if he'd been with Cheryl Cole at the time. Now there's a story!

Think I might stay up for the Oscars on Sunday. I wrote the music for a feature film about morris music last year, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been nominated. Although there's still time....

Five long days...

Watched part one of Five Days on iplayer last night. Felt more like Five Years... It was like watching simultaneous episodes of the Bill and Holby City. That's quite enough for me.

Off to meet a producer to talk about making the Lenny Smallman music show for the internet or maybe even some dodgy digital TV channel. I'm so not fussy anymore.

Have a large spot starting to emerge on the side of my nose. What's that about? It's like being a teenager again. Those days were supposed to be over. I mean, I'm 28 for god's sake.... Okay so that's not true.

Maybe it's because I've been waiting to say hello to the young woman I've been walking past in the mornings for the last two years and my body thinks it's heading into flirtation mode - which it isn't. Or am I protesting about this just a little too much?

Unicycle

After walking Stanley to school, I have passed the same young woman in the street almost every day for over two years now as she heads to the tube station.
Sometimes I see her walking back up from the tube in the evening. We have never once acknowledged each other's existence. Not even a nod. She's very pretty and looks supremely self-contained [if she wasn't pretty I would have probably said hello to her years ago]. I've decided I'm going to say hello to her one morning, just to see what happens. Or is that asking for trouble?

This morning I also passed someone going to work on a unicycle... What do other people do all day? Which makes me think of the Richard Scarry books I loved as a kid. Growing up, I wanted the world to be like a Richard Scarry picture - endlessly fascinating, deeply complex, with everything explainable in easy colourful diagrams.

Just met up with Mungo. He wants to put that musical play we did a while ago on again for one performance. Personally I can't see how that's going to make back any of the money we lost. Unless we manage to sell ten tickets at five & a half grand each.

The Travis Bickle school of consolation

Very pleased to see that Steven Gerrard is now the England captain for the game against Egypt. Shagger JT, having assumed the Travis Bickle school of consolation, has been passed over in favour of the Gangsta lovin', drunk drivin', dope-test flunkin' Rio 'de Janeiro' Ferdinand, who is sadly injured once again. Let's hope Steve doesn't get too flustered if the stadium DJ neglects to play any Phil Collins....

Nice day for a Welsh wedding

Sorry it's been a while since my last report. The people that host the website wanted paying.

Just returned from Wales after playing the music at a friend's wedding. This is the 7th time I've played at a friend's wedding, although it's the first time i've been asked to play someone else's song. Maybe I'm losing my touch? Although to be fair the omens for the relationships are pretty good; out of all those seven marriages five are still intact, although one of them is still trying to survive the revelation that the wife was recently discovered to be a fan of dogging in the Basingstoke area.